don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
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I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
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I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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