My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
