ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
