I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Randomize
