I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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