So drunk its hurt
I cockslap morals
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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