so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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