the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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