Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
