dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
