I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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