What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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