he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
