Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
