He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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