I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
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I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
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Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.