I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
