it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
