i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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