I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Randomize
