in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??