sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
