Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
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Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
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Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house