why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
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Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
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May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????