Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
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