pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize