Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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