you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
