I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
