I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
