so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
