Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
