I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you traded sex for a burrito?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
