I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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