It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
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he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
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He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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