somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
i've created a new STD.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
