I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
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That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
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The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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