i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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