the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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