I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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