apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
