I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Randomize
