Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
