Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
time to smoke my breakfast
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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