final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
