I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
