fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
