i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
My vagina just clenched in fear
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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