We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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