I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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