I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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