i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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