these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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