the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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