Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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