omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
